Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go?

Me in front of the World Map I painted (with help) at the elementary school

This song from the 80’s popped into my head when I was trying to think of a title for this post, which will be my last one from Nicaragua as a Peace Corps volunteer. For me, the answer is unequivocally “GO!” even as a few of my compañeros choose to stay and extend their service a little longer. I’m not sure that I’m ready to sum up my Peace Corps service yet, but in this last week in my site of San Rafael del Norte I feel that I need to put some of what this experience of leaving is like.

I’ve said it many times to others in the same situation, and they tend to agree: these last few months have been like very slowly pulling off a band aid. And one that sticks to every hair. My leaving is the main topic of every conversation, even when I’m not the one to bring it up. (And I’m sure I did, many times, since I have the bad habit of always looking to the next thing.) “What will you do after this?” “Do you get to go back to your old job?” “Do they send you to another country now?” “When are you coming back?” “You’re never coming back?” “Is your mom excited?” “Didn’t you fall in love here?” These are the some of the many questions I’ve answered over and over again. I don’t blame people here for asking questions. In a poor country where the average person may rarely go to another city, let alone another country, there are lots of questions about why a foreigner would come here and then why they would leave again.

When I wasn’t having one of these conversations, or spending seemingly endless hours looking online for jobs that have a too-soon start date, I consciously tried to capture the images, sounds, smells, and tastes of my version of Nicaragua. This experience has been educational on a personal, spiritual, and professional level and I’m happy to say that I don’t regret the decision to temporarily leave a life of comfort to challenge myself in the way that all Peace Corps volunteers inevitably do.

These last couple of days have been difficult…I’m vacillating between having too much to do and being bored because I’m dragging my feet about doing all the things I need to do. Today there’s no water and we don’t have any saved, and flies keep landing on my face, and there was mouse poop in the kitchen, and a mosquito has been hunting me all day, and there’s a bunch of noise, and my neighbor was yelling and and and and…….I won’t miss these things.

Then again my host-niece fell asleep “watching” Downton Abbey with me last night, and this morning came in to snuggle and tickle me. She’s such a sweetheart. I will definitely miss that.

I went to say bye to the kids and teachers at school and got plenty of hugs and “I love you’s” and “thank you’s” and didn’t even want to say bye to one of the teachers I worked with because she’s become a great friend. I’ll miss all of that.

One of my friends who is also leaving sent me a text the other day saying “today is the best worst day ever.” I think this is a great description. I’m leaving San Rafael del Norte early Sunday morning and I’m sure it will feel like the best worst day ever for me too. So I’ll sign off from my blog as a Peace Corps volunteer, and hopefully return with the next post as a more emotionally balanced RPCV who can better put into words what this experience has meant to me and where I’m going next.

Trying out a typical Nicaraguan dance with the PE teacher at my going away party

Love from Nicaragua,

M x